e-blog

utah liquor laws are stupid. or at least, they were. until today. today, those of us who drink in this holier than thou state can now enter a bar/club without having to pay for a private membership, thereby making us less bizzare. but only slightly less.

to celebrate, the local weekly alt paper is hosting a pub crawl complete with buses.

i do not regret my decision to stay home.

i'm done with school for the summer and am staying busy with multitudes of odds and ends. heading off to dc for the week next monday, but before then, i will age by one year ever so gracefully on saturday.

here are some photos i've been meaning to post for a bajillion years. i'm hoping i get back into the blogroove right as school starts again and i'm whisked away to the land of bullshit and academia.

( cut for your enjoyment )</div>

i'm feeling pretty good about life these days. i bought smaller jeans (woo!), i've had so much more energy since my vast fruit intake and getting over the flu/strep last week and i've been taking stock of my personal life, getting things together, getting over fears and it's all just coming together really well. i'm engaging and making a lot of friends, which is such a bizzare experience for me since i'm always of the mindset that people think i'm a jerk or that i smell bad. i don't know why, childhood paranoia?

my classes are engaging and thought provoking and especially maddening but i enjoy them all the same. i'm writing a paper for queer theory on passing, racial and gender-wise and the meanings people place on the signs we attach to class when in relation to race and gender. i'm interested to see where it will go. today, my professor did say that she was going to be cruel to be kind in the revisions of our rough drafts. my ego, it lives in fear. i mean, what do we soft science majors have if not our false confidence in our writing skills? this is all i have, since i couldn't bio my way out of a paper bag.

going to portland next weekend! i'm super excited, AASA is going for APIA and although i am nervous, i also cannot wait to visit a new city. the next weekend my oldest straight guy friend, court, is getting MARRIED! and the weekend after that portland again for STUMPTOWN! i'm going to love my bed so much by the time i get back. there is no place like home.

oh, i joined plinky! it's fun. check it out if you're a lazy blogger like me.

next week! spring break! no classes! no last minute homework! no asshole classmates i want to punch in the face!

the trade-off is i'll have to be at work full-time holding down the fort while my counterparts deal with people face to face and i'm feeling a little like a marked (wo)man. paranoia, or instinct? this goes against everything logical i believe in, but i want to quit SO BAD.

there's lots to say, pictures to upload, thoughts to sort out. maybe the break will allow me some free time to update my space on the internet.

i'm debating on whether to take a few classes this summer, just some pre-reqs to get out of the way. my fear is that i'll crap out on them and have wasted my money when i could be putting a little something something away for dreams and rainy days.

took a tour of the draper temple last week - i thought it was going to be all davinci code, but it was more like an unending maze of hotel lobbies. so many muted colors, so many places to sit, so many fake flower arrangements. the sealing room was interesting though and i was half annoyed half amused by the celestial room which is supposed to conjure an emotion likened to christ. it was enormous, i guesstimate about 4 stories high, and a GIGANTIC chandelier made of tiny crystals hung about 3 stories down. the thing is, it wasn't about feeling jesus in your heart but mistaking the overwhelming nature of the room as something invoked by christ. not an atheist, just calling out some bullshit. at least, that was my experience. let it be said let it be known by all my mormon family, friends, acquaintences and enemies, DO NOT BAPTISE ME IF/WHEN I DIE. I DO NOT WANT THAT OPTION. BUDDHA WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. and the jesus from lamb.

i've been consumed by thought lately. i love school but i hate how i will think about something until i want to die. call me a pretentious asshole, i'm trying to figure that out for myself, actually. i feel like i have no one to deconstruct shit with and so i'm left texting the shit out of people and sending crazy emails to past professors and trusted friends who i feel will give me an informed, honest perspective. in a way, i think i process things better through email, but i sometimes i need to be in the physical presence of someone who gets it. one of my greatest fears is that the relationships i once had will never be rivaled.

as i've been attempting to process, well, everything, i find myself getting into these slightly sociopathic discussions with myself where i'll match every argument/point with an equal counterpoint (at least, in my perspective). it is totally frustrating and, i feel, bordering on insanity.

some keywords/thoughts from various mindfucks: transracial = transgender? essentialist dangerous exceptions

cryptic, huh?

tomorrow is the anniversary of my grandpa's death. we're all getting together tomorrow at my grandma's house to eat and be awkward together, family style. my dad called me, asking if i would pick up some flowers. i in turn called my brother to see if he wanted to go in on them with me. the simple fact that my brother has agreed to grace us with his apathetic attitude brings an unadultered joy to my parents and grandma. going to be honest, i have a hard time not resenting him. at thanksgiving last year when i showed up without him, my grandma opened the door and greeted me with a disappointed sizing up and, 'where's your brother?'. i know, cultural differences, but still. jesus.

10% of the staff at my work were let go on monday, including my bestie, jessica. i wish they would just fire me too. there is no reason for me to be around, my motivation disappeared months ago. yeah, i could quit, but there is something subversively sweet about going into work everyday and getting paid to do shit. this morning i was 15 minutes late and i got called in to the big boy's office where he attempted to shame me. fortunately, my shame has priorities and it was all i could do not to roll my eyes at him. 'i was counting on you to be here on time'. i would rather come in to work for four hours and be mad productive than eight hours where i am literally wasting the company's money. my life would be so much richer. not my pocketbook, but at least i would enjoy my life more, not that things aren't pretty cool right now.

although april seems to be the month to beat - i've put money down to attend stumptown, quite possibly one of the most outwardly nerdy things i'll ever take part in, there are tentative plans go to portland two weeks before that, but it's not looking good, and my singular straight guy friend, court is getting hitched to a woman he refers to as a 'spoiled brat'* at la caille, all within 14 days of each other! but next week there are plans to wine and dine whiteness scholar tim wise (at the very least, pick him up from the airport and attempt not to fail at introducing his keynote - actually, this is a pretty nerdy admission as well. huh). i'm also going to pick out a quilt pattern and with the help of a very patient friend and attempt to not only attempt but complete a quilt! WOO!

other random information i would share in light conversation:

i failed the 365 day photo project 49 days in. i haven't been taking many photos lately. maybe i need to refocus. ha. pun! saw coraline in 3d, it was badass and scarier than i thought it would be. theater makes me want to gouge out the eyes of all involved, but i'm sure they would just turn that suffering into more 'art'. *vomit* kind of want to go to the motherland to celebrate founders week of tnx. i miss jamie. iota's passed without any recognition (not that i was aware of - catty? maybe). and somehow i cannot allocate $30. the numbers add up, where did it go?! and i bought a new harddrive! 1T!! now all i need is a new desk. life continues and i strive to write stories as hilarious as this about something as simple as putting on a pair of pants.


*heard from a third party. not responsible for libel.

on thursday i dropped by kingsbury hall after class to buy tickets to sweet honey in the rock. their website said student tix were $10 (a steal! really!) but the girl in the box office was kind of a jerk and told me that the discount was $10 off regular ticket prices which i thought was stupid, so i left. later that afternoon i called kingsbury and got the same, but slightly more disjointed answer. i finally emailed the box office manager today and she apologized for the confusion and that i was right!

HA!

game on.

i was listening to my love/hate nemesis, pri/npr/whatever (science fridays!) and there was a little blurb squeezed in between a story about the affects of tv consumption (i think, my memory is terrible and it was just this afternoon, it might have been the human genome) on the minds of small children about valentines day and the benefit of gifts that were more experience than physical product.

personally, i've noticed a renewed interest in being surrounded by assholes in all-ages concert venues and i'm not sure whether i can attribute this to a tidal wave of great upcoming concerts (lily allen! ting tings! yann tiersen! flight of the conchords!) or if it has more to do with distracting myself.

anyone who has paid close enough attention knows that vagueness is my modus operandi. i don't like to share my shit to the realest point because if life has taught me anything, people don't care and it's not worth exposing myself for the edutainment of others. maybe that's just bitter post-midnight speak but it's true. i keep imagining myself stuck under a boulder and refusing help from various people, not because i don't want it but i don't want their help, that specific person and all the shit they represent.

i feel annoyed all the time.

yesterday i introduced myself to someone i'd seen around but they didn't know me. he told me i had a beautiful smile which was ironic because i haven't felt happy in a while. this can probably be explained away with 'growing pains' and 'life cycling change' blah blah blah but i'm having a harder and harder time looking at myself in the mirror and no one will tell me what they see.

i was supposed to go to work today.

i was supposed to go to class today.

i was supposed to go to two meetings today.

i was supposed to shower and be presentable today.

i was supposed to get the new scott pilgrim book today.

i was supposed to put new music on my ipod.

instead, i stayed home with dirty hair, listened to the radio from hell show in it's entirety and enjoyed the balls out of it, played virus buster, ate cookies and watched nick and norah's infinite playlist and slumdog millionaire.

i would call this a good day with the exception of all the guilt denying me that euphoric feeling.

this weekend is going to be insanely busy, and i hate that.

presenting at cosa (conference on social awareness) this weekend on empowering people of color and decentering whiteness. feeling pretty unprepared and excited (and sort of nauseous).

also, i'm really irritated by a million little things. why can't people just do shit without me?! jerks.

i'm reading a graphic novel right now that totally speaks to my need for a fine balance between responsibility and freedom. it makes me feel better about my situation.

peace out to this blog!